Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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