i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My day in three words: secret purse cake
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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