last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
