I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
