guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
