she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
