Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
