I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
