I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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