She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
