My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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