why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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