The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
