Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize