my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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