hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
