Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
