my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
