My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
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