I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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