Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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