I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
