I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
