So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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