I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
