WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
