If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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