Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
