I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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