I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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