anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
