I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
