You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
