Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
