plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
