Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
