Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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