He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
