I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
