Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
