i just sent this text using only my big toe
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
