shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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