I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
