You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
