Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
