Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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