I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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