I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
