y did u give ur computer a hand job?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
