yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
