he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
