How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
