i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
