Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
