batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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