Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
