My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
