Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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