His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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