it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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