my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When did angry sex become our thing?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize